Archive | September, 2011

On Making Lists

13 Sep

I have never been fond of making lists. The last few years this has become even less likely since I have become increasingly absent-minded (yep, my mind is not present in the moment, but almost always absent) forgetting to bring my cel phone with me when I go out. Going out and forgetting my keys inside the apartment and ending up locked out of my own house. Noticing after hours in front of the computer that my eyes are red -haven’t put on my glasses- and it’s almost bedtime and I haven’t ushered my son to the bathtub… well the list goes on and on.

Which brings me back to lists. I hate making lists, maybe because it means that I am forcing myself to follow a set of “rules” (I know that is NOT what lists are made for, but my rebellious nature gets caught up in the small things). Hated them to begin with and now I just -if and when- make a list and totally forget I have it in my purse/pocket/bag/hand… And that is when I remember to make a list. This almost-gone-summer was one for lists, mental or written: lists of things we had to take on our trip, lists of bills to pay as soon as we got the loan, lists of things I WANTED to get when the money came, back-to-school lists… Well, summer is almost gone and I finally have decided to sit down and make a list. Not a shopping list, not a chores list, an important “things-I-want-to-do-with-all-my-heart-list”. Although it is not a “Bucket List”, it is a list of things I have been lazily putting off till later but have to face head on. Some of the items in the list are things that will be hard to accomplish and so have been put off till later. Some things imply some soul-searching and this can sometimes be hurtful, any kind of self-search is always difficult and I -who used to pride myself when younger on the fact that I was not “scared to look inside” have lately come to feel so out of touch with myself that the young woman I just mentioned actually seems like a stranger. Someone I’d like to get to know better, though.

I have come to rely too much on the grounding effect that my husband’s love has on me. I have become complacent with myself because he just makes my life so much easier, so much simpler, maybe because he loves me deeply and shows it frequently. I have come under the impression -false, of course- that there is no more struggle for me, that I can just lay back, be a mom and wife and use as much free time as I want for my art. But I want my art to be as meaningful as my life is, as deep as the love I feel for my husband, as bright as the pride that fills my heart every single day when I pick up my six-year-old son from school… as joyful as my memories of my father, whom I feel closer to me now than when he was alive. I want my work as an artist -now that I finally have come to a place where I feel free to call myself an artist- to show my own depth, my own sparkle, my own Faith. I want all of me to be there present in each and every piece I create so that when anybody who knows me sees it they can see Me in it.

But for that I have to be present for myself. And I have to accept I have let myself “go”. Yes, emotionally, spiritually, and sadly in a very physical sense too. So, soul-searching is first on the list. Looking deep inside once more to see who it is that looks back from within. I used to write too. A lot. I loved to write and read and do stuff that helped me grow. It seems as though I have -in some unconscious level- believed there is nothing further, no more frontiers to reach. I have forgotten that the Human Spirit is much more than just a ball of energy inside my soul. Spirit, when let go outside of the physical body, is as limitless as the sky. Why then should I have become so complacent? Was the road here so hard at times I have just taken a longer rest on the road than I should have? My life is full of meaning, full of joy and beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware of this and grateful for each and every day I wake up and count my long list of blessings. But my spirit feels asleep somehow, so it is time to wake it up.

I have had the pleasure of late to enjoy the company of many interesting and special Spirits, women whom I have come to know through my friend Jeanette House and who share their work and progress at Wild Precious Studio, with the fearless pajama-clad leader Effy Wild. Something has started to wake up recently and nagging me to wake up entirely. It’s my Spirit calling out from within, feeling the tug of kindred Spirits who have come up to me for a reason. It is the time and place for list writing, and this time I better sit down and listen to my heart. I signed up to do the November worksop: “To See Us Through The Long Dark: Life is A Verb”. I got my book in the mail today “Life is A Verb” by Patti Digh, which we will be using with Effy in the 37 days to”…wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally”.

Self-Portrait

I Am ...Who?

It’s gonna be a long list.

If you want to come along for the ride, you can follow my progress here.

Blessings, Love and Light!

E.